This picture is special to me. It was taken the day our pregnancy suspicions were confirmed by a real doctor. I took the whole day off work and ate extremely greesey fried rice from the chinese place by my old apartment, while I waited for Jake to get off work so we could go to a concert he had gotten free tickets to. I was scared and didn't know what to think, but Jake was so excited and supportive it made me excited too. Every morning I would wake up and within a few seconds I would remember I was pregnant, feel my belly to see if anything had changed, then smile with wonder at it. I spent hours every day imagining all the wonderful things I would do with my little buddy, the things I would teach her and the places I would take her. I would laugh and grab Jake's hand to make him feel each kick and wiggle and we would look at eachother like "Did you feel that? Holy crap, I can't wait".

So much has happened since then. It has been such a wild year and a half with the pregnancy, delivery and such. I'm not mad at Piper that I have to learn to change a trach or perfect tracheal suctioning instead of doing all the things listed above I so strongly desire to, it's not her fault...she wants them too. But sometimes it just plain sucks. I find myself on days like today, at home, on my knees and pleading..Tell me what I have to do, I'll do it! Let her come home!!! I promise, you can trust me with her!

Sometimes I do great, but sometimes, my heart is broken. I seeth with jealousy during sacrament meeting when I look at the other moms, then look down at my own empty arms. Aside from these complaints, what we do have is a million things to be thankful for when it comes to her. Two extremely succesful surgeries with only one minor complication, several nearly fatal episodes with completely FULL RECOVERIES, the most awesome doctors and nurses we could have ever asked for, support from friends and family like it's going out of business and last but not least, Piper's incredible desire to fight like a champ.

I guess parenting is never what you expect it to be and everyone has their struggles. I'm not saying I'm let down, I'm just saying that as much joy as The Pip has brought us, the chance to have her home would be that times a million. I miss her every day. I want to feel like a REAL mom. I want to take her out and show her off. Call me nuts, but I wouldn't even mind having to turn down a dinner invitation or two because Piper is fussy. How cool would that be?