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Jake Knows Everything,Q&A
If he doesn't know the answer, he will give one anyway.* *If a working email address is not provided with the question, the question will be discarded |
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12/12/06 (yes this really is over a year old) Question:
Dear Uncle Jake,
I have noticed that a lot is changing around your web space, so I thought it was high time for a new question for JKE: I do a lot of snacking, and eating of snack foods, and have noticed that the Sun Maid raisin girl and the beautiful girl from the Santitas bag (we'll call her "Santita") look as though they might be related. Is Santita the Sun Maid's spicier south-of the-border cousin? Thanks in advance for clearing this up. Love, Sweet Maya Amelie Ketchikan, Alaska
Answer--
Sweet lil' Maya, it is good to hear from you. Your cousin Piper says what's up. I can see by your question that you are very observant. The coincidence that you have stumbled upon actually goes deeper than you probably originally thought. The sun maid girl and Santita are in fact, one and the same person. Her name is actually Gretchen Doolittle. She tried out for the part of an innocent forest dwelling princess in Walt Disney's 1950s blockbusting thriller "Snow White." Ultimately the part was given to one of her competitors in the biz, and Gretchen was relegated to small-time marketing gigs like the ones you have mentioned above. In the early 80's she went blonde for a while in a little stint as the Clairol Herbal Essence girl. I know what you are thinking, "no way." Yep, that's her.
5/15/06 Question:
Dear Jake,
Answer--
Well matey, you aren't far off at all. The souvenir magnet to which you refer actually depicts a pirate begging for coffee. He is the mascot of Buccannowhere high school. The small town of Buccannowhere was founded in the year of 1712, the year of the massive gulf hurricane season that lives forever in infamy as the one that flooded the majority of what we now know as the southwestern united states. The legend is that Captain Javabeard (named for his pungent coffee stained beard) was navigating in the gulf of Mexico when he became caught in a severe tropical storm and was pushed off course. So far north in fact that his ship finally became disabled and ran aground right in the middle of current day Buccannowhere New Mexico. When the floods subsided, the surviving pirates decided to remain where the ship had landed and founded the town of Buccannowhere. Javabeard was the first mayor until he eventually went mad when his raging caffeine addiction could not be satisfied, as the last coffee grounds ran out. He shaved his beard and became a vagrant, roaming the streets begging for coffee. To this day Javabeard's grounded ship stands as a monument in the middle of Buccannowhere NM. Javabeard will forever be honored, as the mascot of Buccannowhere high.
-Maria Gilbert
Answer--
I'm glad someone finally asked that. The cool part is that most people are probably thinking, "oh, Neil Armstrong, the one giant step guy," but in reality, you are asking about Neil Armstrong, the famous electric fork inventor/maker. Neil was actually an icon of modern culinary evolution. The reason that the question is relevant, of course is because as a young boy in the 1800's, Neil drew his inspiration from his parents, who were European immigrants who bought and ran a restaurant in Brooklyn. Both of his parents were excellent chefs and the restaurant was famous for it's Mandioca Fries. It was this era that Young Neil, son of Electra and Forker Armstrong realized that unlike his parents, he had no skills in the kitchen. So he spent years at the drawing board and came up this this beauty.
Name, Joe Jacobsen
Answer--
Joe, it is good to hear from you man! The answer to your question takes us back to colonial times. In the mid 1770's, on the American Continent, there was a bit of a struggle going on in the New England area. All of the Yanks were hating on their British King and trying to find a way to get out from under his thumb. Back then there were no motorized cars. It was all horse and carriage on the road. There was no "right" or "wrong" side of the road. The system of driving back then was called Euromerge. This system worked by everyone just trying to all go at the same time in whatever direction on which ever side of the road they wanted to. A long with many things that carried over from Great Britain, the Yankees decided that the Euromerge system was totally retarded and decided standardize vehicular transportation on the road. They did this by creating signs and rules, one of which made it uniform procedure to drive on the right side of the road. Of course, as soon as the Yankees did this, the Brits, as with most things, has to copy, but put their own snooty British Eurotarded twist on it. So they decided that if the Colonists were going to drive on the right side of the road, then in Great Britain the correct side would be the left. The Brits still do this kind of thing in today's world. For example, Americans brush their teeth, so the Brit's don't etc... As for the steering wheel being on the left side of the vehicle; blame that on Henry Ford. His parents were Irish immigrants (Ireland is part of the UK= under British control= Eurotarded). He obviously never delivered mail or drove a street sweeper.
Hope that answers your question, Jake
What is McFlys email address? and is Dougie from McFLY gay?
Name, Kate Answer-- Kate Good question. I think that you must be friends with Izzy. Since you have obviously not read her question, the email for this Mcfly is mcfly@bootysmak.com. But Since you are also asking about Dougie, I'm assuming that you are asking about this Mcfly . Which is kind of disturbing to me. It is scary enough that there are boy bands at all, but a Brit boy band? That is over the top. What is even scarier is that these bloody little wankahs are going to be in a Lindsay Lohan movie that comes out around Christmas. I know the email for that Mcfly too, but I cannot disclose because it is in violation of Bootysmak's privacy policy. If you want to email that Mcfly go Mcfly and click on "contact us" in the left hand column. The answer to your second question is a little more complicated. If you mean to ask if Dougie is homosexual, the answer is that, although I know, I cannot disclose for legal reasons. If you mean to ask is Dougie "gay" in terms of the socially constructed definitions (totally lame and effeminate in unnatural ways), then the answer is... absolutely. I mean, he is in a boy band.
Thanks for asking, Jake
4/14/05 Question--
asdr;kjfhsoiugTYDs Name: Tyler Healy
Answer--
Tyler, I'm so glad that someone has finally raised that issue in the
interrogative form. You don't know how many nights I have laid in my hammock
wondering asdr;kjfhsoiugTYDs?
When I finally figured out the answer, I thought that surely there must be
someone else out there who is wondering if asdr;kjfhsoiugTYDs? I was hoping
that at some point I would be able to share the answer with that person.
Tyler, that person is you. Tyler, the answer to the ever plaguing question of
asdr;kjfhsoiugTYDs? is not one that can be articulated in words, like the
question itself is. It is something that crosses medium into a visual realm.
So, Tyler to receive that answer to your question, click
here.
dear all knowing jake,
Name: paco " loves his taco" el
dorado Answer--
Paco, there comes a time
in every man's life when he has to look outside the bell, the time and the
grande. All though tacos are good, what you should really be spending your 99
cents on is a kick in the taco. I know this awesome place where you can get
them for just that price. They are pretty much the best that I have ever had.
Check it out
3/11/05 Question--
dear jake,
Name: justion knutson Answer--
Well, Knudtzaque, I have just the solution for you. As you mentioned, the Pirate monkey may have been taken. As a matter of fact it has been taken, but the Idea about Batman fighting crime is a good one. In fact what you can do is combine the best of both worlds by having him fighting a storm trooper. This way you can have Comics vs. Sci Fi. I mean, is there anything cooler than that. You could get it really big on your arm like you said, so that when you flex your bicep, it makes them fight. Actually, what would be even cooler, is if you got 2 little batmans fighting a big storm trooper. It would look something like this. Good luck with the tatt. No doubt it will be so Awesome, Jake
1/21/05 Question-- How could I try and obtain Canadian citizenship?
Name: Haytes-america Wright-now
Answer-- Well H8s, I just think that the most appropriate way to answer that question is to have you hear this little sound byte that Dink put at the beginning of one of their songs last century during an era of a lot of anti-American sentiment so click here to check it out (you need quicktime to hear it). Hope it answers your question, Jake
12/17/04 Question-- What is Mcfly's email address?
Name: Izzy
Answer-- Hi Izzzzzzzaaaaayyyyyy! Hahahaha, that is kind of fun to say out loud. I can only assume that you are talking about this guy's email Address. And if you are, his email address is Mcfly@bootysmak.com
Have a good one, Jake T.
12/16/04 Question--
Dear Jake...
Answer-- Well Sosj, It is good to know that you are still watching TV. It seems like last time I saw you, you were still hiding behind the TV. PS, I really missed seeing you last time I visited. Seems like every time I'm in town, you split. It is quite clear that a burrito would incinerate before it was too hot for God to eat it. I actually wanted to try to do an experiment once too see exactly at what temperature a burrito would incinerate, just to make sure that the theory was correct, but then the handle was missing from the microwave, so I wasn't able to finish the experiment. But I'm pretty sure that God could probably handle anything colder than about 300 Kelvin. Obviously the microwave itself would incinerate at a much lower temperature, so I feel like it is safe to say that answer to your question is no, but not because God isn't all powerful. It is just because when you reduce him to using man-made Earth inventions, purchased with Earth Dollars, the premise becomes physically impossible.
Tell Homer if you see him, Jake
Name: Tina Answer-- Hi Tina, Are you in the same biology class as Defecator? Cause he asked me the same thing in May. Please read the highlighted pink part below for the answer. Good luck on the exam, Jake
8/19/04 Question-- How come the tooth fairy stopped giving me money and why won't my teeth grow back?!?!? Name: Tooth-4-Less
Answer-
Well, Tooth-4-Less, believe it or not, you are not the first one to ask this question. I actually had lunch with the tooth fairy the other day and it turns out that she never gave any money in the first place. Aparently she exchanges a punch in the face for the teeth that she collects. But back in 1683, I guess a lot of parents were getting upset about the contusions and lacerations on the faces of their children after the tooth fairy would visit. The result was that when the child would lose a tooth, the parents started making sure that the tooth fairy's entrance to the house was securely locked (the toilet seat down with a brick on top of it) and instead of punching the child in the face, the parents would exchange money for the tooth they gathered. The fairy told me that around this time, the teeth market started to go south anyway, so she cashed out and retired to the north pole where she now fills in for Hanky the Christmas poo when he is under the weather. As far as your teeth not growing back anymore, you may want to look into something like this. You can hardly tell that they aren't real.
Glad 2 Help, Jake T.
8/19/04 Question-- What movies are showing at the Van Buren Drive- in? Name: Toni
Answer--
Toni, that's easy, Alien v. Preadator (8:15 pm, 12:00 am); Collateral (8:15 pm, 12:15 am); I, Robot (10:00 pm); Little Black Book (10:15 pm) The Village (8:15 pm, 12:00 am). Enjoy your flick, Jake T.
7/20/04 Question--
Wahhh!!
Mistor Jake, why wont u answer my question?? wahhh i vant a viernal schnizel!!
Boohoo on poopoo!
Answer--
7/8/04 Question--
Hey Jake, How's it going? Listen, do you use wax on your snowboard? If so, what kind is best? If not, why not?
Name: Andrea
Answer--
Well Andrea, since you are asking, Hot wax is the best. The brand that I most trust is Toko. You rub the wax on, then iron it on. It makes it bond to the petex. Then you scrape it off really good, so that there is only a really thin film of wax filling in the subtle aberrations in the petex. Hot waxing is more of a traditional remedy though. Plus, you have to have an iron with no holes in the bottom, so, most people use cold wax. Cold was is nice cause it is easy and less messy. Toko makes cold wax too, but I personally go with the Swix for cold wax. I have a kit with three different types, so that you have options depending on the snow conditions. Basically you get, slush wax, Antarctica wax, and then wax for the in-between conditions. It seems to work pretty well. Just make sure that you don't forget which color is which, or else it can end up slowing you down.
Happy Sledding, Jake
Dear Jake, Name: Bring back the man-perm! Answer-- BB, Imma tell ya, you aren't the first person who has told me about that dream. Do you think that you are the only one who ever read the August 1991 issue of Slay on! magazine? Yeah, I read it too, the story about Lil' Jennica Hodgeson from Buttsmouth Arkansas who won the trip to hang out with Metallica on tour for a day. She described Lars in the exact same way that you did in your question. You do raise an important issue though. It is the downfall of humankind that we are witnessing on a daily basis. Men aren't sensitive enough anymore to wear the man-perm. That is basically what it boils down to. If we could some how introduce the man-perm again, maybe men would revert to being more sensitive and we could all just rock out instead of blowing stuff up.
Get it? Jake 6/1/04 Question-- Dear Jake, Do insects have souls? Name: Cream Filled Answer-- The simple answer to your question, Cream Filled, is no. But the ironic part is that soles almost always have insects. At least knowing that insects don't have souls should make people feel a little better about finding insects on their soles. --Jake T.
5/25/04 Question-- Dear Jake, Why is it that when I drop things they fall towards my feet? When I was in space that didn't happen. Man I miss space. Name: Armstrong, Neil Answer--
Mr. Armstrong, I feel your pain. Unlike you, I have never been to space and
had the luxury of having things just float around when I drop them. This
happens on Earth because of the age old, Law of Gravity. Being somewhat of a
political activist, I have actually been lobbying unsuccessfully for the last
15 years to get this law repealed. You might want to write a letter to your
congressman about it. I am going to try to organize a picket next Fall in
Washington. I'll email you the details. In the meantime here is a
poster that you can print out and put in your
window to show support for the cause. 5/13/04 Question-- Dear Jake,
What is the longest word in the english language?....And how are the human
circulatory system and lymphatic system alike? How are they different? Answer-- Well, I hope for your sake that "Help Me I Pooped In My Pants!!!" is some sort of pseudonym. For convenience sake, I'm just going to call you Defecator. Look Defecator, don't think that I can't see what is going on here. You are doing your homework and instead of learning this crap by reading your text book about English Anatomy, you are asking me. Yeah, that's right, I saw right through you. Normally, I wouldn't help someone cheat on their homework, but I'm going to make an exception this once. First of all Defecator, make sure that you capitalize the "E" in English when you are writing your homework assignment, teachers are anal about this kind of stuff. I knew what you meant in your question when you said "english" with a small "e" but your teacher is going to pretend like he\she doesn't. Ok, so the longest word in the English Language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovocanoconosis. It is 45 letters long and it refers to a lung disease caused by airborne particles. I'm going to make a diagram to illustrate the answer to your second homework question. Click here. Really, Defecator, it is a shame that I had to point the answer to that one out, I'm sure that your teacher was giving you that one as a freebie. It makes me wonder what the school system is coming to these days. But look Defecator, if you want to get some extra credit, you should make an argument that the answer to the question is moot because robot bodies are superior to human bodies anyway, then refer to this diagram to illustrate your point. Take it easy, Jake T. 5/2/04 Question-- Dear Jake, Mr. One, I have to tell ya, Becoming an actor is a piece of cake. Anyone can find some drama guild to go join to perform in some two bit film about Jesus getting killed. However, for you newfound goal (kind of like Newfoundland) you raise the bar about ten notches by throwing around names like Tori Spelling and "that dude that plays Luke Skywalker." To become an actor like those two, takes discipline, courage and drug/alcohol abuse. Anorexia and bulimia will become your way of life. Mr. One, unless you already have a clef in you chin, you are going to have to get cosmetic surgery. Now that I have told you what it takes, I would like to add a little advice. Andy, judging from your email, it sounds like you already lead a pretty good life, in the gutter, licking skates and all of that cool stuff. I would suggest that maybe instead of trying to reach this newfound goal, maybe you should try to reach Nefoundland. I heard that there are a lot of people there just like you. I think that you would be happy there.
Until Next Time, Jake T. 4/24/04 Question-- Dear Jake, the other day I went into my bathroom, and lifted the lid on the toilet and fire came out. it really scared me, is there anything I can do to keep this from happening again? ---Pizza the Hut Answer-- What up Pizza? I'm glad to hear that that crap is finally happening to someone other than me. What you experienced is a little known phenomenon called Fire-randomly-coming-out-of-stuff. Apparently it is something that tends to happen repetitively to the same people. I once spoke to a Fire-randomly-coming-out-of-stuffologist and he said that research hasn't yet been able to determine why the incidents are repetitive for certain individuals. It may be a chemical geological radiological thing. Anyway, Pizza, the important thing is that, you don't need to be scared. Just be sure that when you see it happening again, stand back until it quits. I remember once when I opened the fridge and fire came out, I didn't get back in time, took my eyebrows right off. Good Luck Buddy, Jake T.
4/16/04 Question-- Where is the battery for the human located?
Sincerely, Needs
to be Re-charged Needs, after extensive web-based research I have found that the human battery is not actually rechargeable. I know that this must come as a painful surprise. It isn't as bad as it sounds. Apparently humans can change their batteries. The human body has a built in gauge which cycles the batteries and disposes them when they are spent. I found this helpful diagram on one of my favorite websites that illustrates how the fresh batteries may be inserted into humans. Be careful though, I have never tried it out. Here 2 Help, Jake T. 4/12/04 Question-- Dear Jake,
I currently hold one mortgage on my humble abode. I am considering
taking out another mortgage. Is there any kind of agreement out there
that would allow me to some how consolidate, extend, and modify the two
mortgages into one? Joe, your question is one that is on the minds of homeowners everywhere. I'm glad that someone had the guts to ask it. I guess for someone who had that courage to slaughter thousands of his own countrymen, asking a question about your home mortgage isn't really that much of a challenge. For hundreds of years people have tried to figure out a way to consolidate, extend and modify their single mortgage so that they could have another mortgage added into the current mortgage without having to pay all of those nasty taxes. Finally, in the cold winter of the year 1807, a young attorney by the name of Schlomo Goodstein succeeded in finding a solution. After many sleepless nights of combing New York tax law, grappling with old money notes and new money notes Schlomo was on the brink of giving up. Then suddenly it dawned on him, all he needed to do was attach exhibits A-F and it just might work. Lo and behold, it did work. Schlomo had invented the first CEMA. After this day every good bank attorney's office has a CEMA department. You can tell a powerful bank attorney's office if they employ a decendant of Schlomo Goodstein at the head of their CEMA department. So There You Go, Jake T.
3/31/04 Question-- Dear Jake, Answer-- Craig, I feel your pain baby. You might want to look into one of these. I just picked one up last week. Happy to Help, Jake T. 3/30/04 Question-- Dear Jake, Sincerely, Infested but glowing
Answer--
IBG, your hypo is an interesting one. As a matter of fact, I have laid awake
many nights myself pondering a similar question. Only, in my hypothetical, I
went to Brazil instead of Africa. However, I'm sure that you don't need me to
validate your question, you are probably just more interested in the answer.
Ibby, Sometimes carrying a pet is what we need in our lives. We get so
wrapped up in worrying about things like, "Why can't I stop
vomiting?" and "How come I have a distended abdomen?" or
"How come I keep eating and eating but never feel satisfied?"
Sometimes we need a wakeup call to help us step back from being fixated on
these trivial curiosities that we become so easily obsessed with. In your
hypothetical, I think that a pet like Seymour would do a fine job of serving
as your wakeup call. Instead of whining about every time you randomly bleed
from your ears or notice a new stretch mark from your ever protruding lower
abdomen, You can think to yourself, "I wonder if Seymour has had enough
to eat today and if he/she/it is comfortable." Having addressed all of
this, I would add that Seymour (hypothetically) most definitely would have
the Buddha nature. Also, I think that your rhetorical interrogation about how
you ever could think of denying Seymour of a warm living host body and
turning him/her/it out into the cold, should be enough to answer that issue.
So Ibby, should this occasion ever arise, you will know what to do. Thanks for your inquiry, Jake T.
3/23/04 Question-- Dear Jake, Today I read in my weekly tabloid that everyone can defeat the Devil if we use the same methods as Captain Kirk used to defeat bad guys in Star Trek. Is this true?!? Do you think that we could defeat the "Prince of Darkness" with space age style of tactics? Sincerely, Tlohnierb Imim Answer-- Wow! I never realized what a cool name Tlohnierb is! T-- your tabloid is partially correct when they say that Star Trek methods could be used to beat El Diablo in a fight. The mistake comes in when they claim that James T. Kirk is the one who has the skills to do it. Kirk against 'ol scratch wouldn't even be a contest. It would be like the time that Kirk tried to paddle across the living room with a wooden fork, he wouldn't even make it half way before some kitchen of the sea fell out of his pants. Dr Spock on the other hand, has all of the skills necessary to emerge from such an encounter victoriously. Being that Spock is a Vulcan, he is nearly immortal and is able to use the Vulcan death grip. This is a maneuver that the Beastie Boys so keenly observed is "like a pinch in the neck." One swift pinch in the neck from Dr. Spock and the fight would be over. So, to answer your question, yes it is true that the Prince of Darkness can be beaten by using space age tactic, unfortunately us humans do not possess the ability to deploy these tactics. Those freakin tabloids love to stretch the truth. Live Long and Prosper, Jake T.
3/5/04 Question-- Dear Jake, The other day I was looking in my Dad's palm pilot for a phone number and I saw something titled, "after I fell off my toilet.. I drew this". I opened it and it was a rough sketch of what looked kind of like the flux capacitor? What does this mean? I am really worried about him. Should I confront him about it? Sincerely, Looking For Rest Homes Answer-- What's up Homes? So you stumbled onto your dad's little secret did you? Did the diagram look like this---> [¥] ? If so, I think that your dad may have been the one who invented the first device known to man that can alter the space time continuum. For decades, nay, centuries humanity and science have been searching for a way to capacitate flux. Why? To travel through time, of course. Someone even made a movie about it once. It had something do to with Mcflys and damnhands, from what I can remember. The important thing to do now is see what your father's intentions are, for wanting to capacitate flux. If they are benign, then you should just let him keep on doing his thing, cause hey, he is a genius. But if he plans to use it to take over the world or some crap, then you should probably have him committed. If you are still unclear about what the flux capacitor is capable of, here are some informative sites that you might want to study for reference. Article 1 (about the real thing) Article2 (about some fake imitation). Hope that helps, Jake
3/3/04 Question-- Dear Jake,
I went to my favorite oriental restaurant for a bite to eat last night and
after my meal I received an odd fortune cookie, it said :"Tem um gato no
meu prato". I was hopping you could tell me what it means, I take
my fortune cookies seriously. --Mizzriam Elizabeth Answer-- Here's the deal Mizzay, your question was a very complicated one for which I had to delve deep into my cranial cavity to find the correct answer. It turns out that long before the days of Confucius there was was Joao Paulo Dos Santos De Souza Batista Da Silva Carlos Domingo. Mr. Dos Santos De Souza Batista Da Silva Carlos Domingo was a bottomless pit of knowledge in his era. Apparently some of the metaphors used by Mr. Dos Santos De Souza Batista Da Silva Carlos Domingo were adopted by Confucius during his ministry. Some of the metaphors were not even translated from Mr. Dos Santos De Souza Batista Da Silva Carlos Domingo's native language which was Portuguese. To make a long story longer, your fortune is that you have a cat on your plate, which is a metaphorical way of saying that you should beware of wooden nickels.
Thanks for the Question, Jake
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